Fairy Tale Assignment

[Ok, I'll admit I got a little bored and carried away last night. You see, I was typing up a simple assignment for my students--write a fairy tale. I wanted the write-up, though, to be at least mildly amusing (I never give assignment write-ups without at least one joke in them). It seemed fitting to begin 'Once upon a time..." and present the write-up in a brief, fairy tale story form. What resulted was definitely longer than the two paragraphs I had imagined, and I'm not entirely sure my students will know what to do after reading it. Still, it did achieve the goal of offering mild amusement. So, here it is. There are a couple of inside jokes that only my students will get, though you could probably get a few of them if you refresh yourself on the story Blue Beard and the Grimm's version of Cinderella. Enjoy.]

Fairy Tale Assignment

Once upon a time, in a golden brown land where enchantment was as ubiquitous as the dust, there lived a teacher. Because of his shapely ears, his toned calf muscles, and a penchant for brushing his teeth, he was known as Mr. Charming.

Mr. Charming, though, decided one day to grow a beard, and to everyone’s shock, that beard was the color of congealed blood. The students were so frightened that they all dropped his classes. But fate would not be trumped by such a bunch of smelly cowards. The counselor reenrolled them, and they returned, trembling before the ghastly vision in the front of the room, to their seats in Mr. Charming’s classroom. They crowded toward the back of the room. Mr. Charming’s once beautiful face, flushed in rage and embarrassment at the students’ betrayal, had turned as red as his beard.

But he decided to give them one more chance.

“Children,” he said, “I give you this assignment that may be your last. You are to write for me a fairy tale. Make it at least 1.57 pages long. Use correct grammar. Think about it before you write it. And entertain me. If you fail to receive a 100 on the paper, you will have betrayed me again, and the consequences may not be pleasant.”

The students were shaking so mightily from fear that a few of them had difficulty staying in their seats. When the bell rang, they all had to crawl from their desks to the hall, so unsteady were their legs.

Upon arriving home, the students began to write their stories. But fate would not be trumped by such a bunch of smelly fools. TBS, as it turned out, was having an all-night Family Guy marathon, and one-by-one, the students’ imaginations turned from their homework toward the siren screen.

They all attempted, during second period, to cobble together some sort of coherent story, but they had not so much as proofread their tales once they got to Mr. Charming’s room.

He took up their papers immediately and began grading them. He shocked the students by writing with one sharpened fingernail that he would periodically dip into his beard. The mysterious ink that coated the nail when it emerged was, of course, blood red. Mr. Charming refused the students restroom passes, even though all of them suddenly had to go bad.

When he was done, he passed back the papers and told all of the students to proceed out the window onto the roof. The highest grade was a 99. The students were instructed to stand on the roof’s ledge or else they would fail the class. They feared death less than failing and submitted willingly.

Mr. Charming prepared to push the students from the ledge to their just deaths. He notice a flock of buzzards and pigeons already circling overhead, preparing to swoop down to pluck out organs as the bodies fell groundward and then devour the splattered carcasses.

But suddenly, all of the students’ siblings showed up on the roof for a social studies experiment. They were releasing a flock of doves in support of world peace. The doves, upon release, flew straight to Mr. Charming’s beard and plucked the whole thing out for use in their nests.

At this, everyone rejoiced. The true, charming Mr. Charming had returned, and everyone lived happily ever after and never had homework again.

Due March 4^th