First Day Jitters

I've been having trouble on my computer at home, so I haven't been able to blog in a while. During that time I've thought some profound and endearing and interesting thoughts. Tons of them. However, I have sense forgotten all of those interesting things to write, and so, I'll write something else.

Today is my first day of the new semester. As usual, there are those opening day jitters, but they're not as bad as usual. This may be because I've now gone through 18 hours of grad school (with all As) and now feel comfortable about my abilities to handle. But I'm pretty sure that's not it. I'm not any smarter from when I began, and I still don't know if I'll be able to get through these classes this semester. They'll likely be quite a bit more difficult than what I've had in the past. The reason that I think I feel less jitters is because I've been working so hard for the past few months on freeing myself from the grade. I've not been totally successful yet. There's still quite a twinge of fear and disgust at the thought of getting a B. You see, I suffer from "smartest kid in the school" syndrome. I have this disease not because I was actually the smartest kid in the school in high school (or because being at the top of your class at Menard High School was any great honor--it wasn't that big) but because everyone thought I was the smartest kid in the school. That was my niche when I was there, and I developed a lot of habits to keep up the appearance...reading a lot, keeping quiet in class (in order to not reveal my true lacks and to appear like the mysterious, shy quiet guy), studying much harder than I would admit. Anyway, once I got into college, and particularly grad school, I've had some trouble helping myself to get out of that niche. It's not a totally truthful depiction of myself, and by continuing to try to stay in it, I keep placing personal value in how well I keep it up. If I say something stupid in class, I feel terrible about myself later, and the same goes for if I get a B or lower on a paper. I have made some strides in this area. I constantly remind myself to not place such personal value in these areas, and I feel less bound at the moment by the thought of something besides an A. Hence, the lack of jitters. I hope I can keep that up.