Sunday, September 28, 2008

A True English Teacher Now

Ok, you’ll need some background for this story.

First of all, I give my English classes a weekly grammar/vocabulary quiz. The second half of the quiz always requires them to read a chapter from The Elements of Style (or some other writing book) and to improve sentences with either grammatical or stylistic errors.

It sounds boring, but I’d rather my quizzes not be too boring. So, I make up tremendously silly sentences for the quiz.

An example sentence: “The new king, who had been a long-time person, began his reign by declaring himself a god.”

Or: ““I know what you did last summer,” Jesus said to the classroom full of high school students; that was sort of scary.“

In an effort to make crazy quiz sentences easier to write, I last year created a character—Bruce Wi, the ninja midget bandit. Each week, there’s a new sentence to the story of his adventures.

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The second thing to know: Have you heard of the Chuck Norris facts?

Chuck Norris facts are silly statements about how all-around awesome Chuck Norris is.

For instance: “Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris swam through land.”
“Chuck Norris has counted to infinity—twice.”
“Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.”
“There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’s beard, only another fist.”

I’m guessing that you get the picture.

Anyway, my students, especially the guys, evidently are acquainted with the Chuck Norris facts.

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So, what happened last week is this. I’m grading something else up at my desk and the students are taking the quiz.

All of a sudden, I hear one student scream: “NOOOOOOoooOOOoOOO!!! That couldn’t happen!!! That couldn’t happen!!! Read number twenty-five!!!”

One of the students read number 25 aloud: “There is no doubt that Bruce Wi is the most awesome dude in the world, now that he has destroyed Chuck Norris.”

At that point, there was an uproar from all of the males, who sit on the same half of the room. “No, Chuck Norris is awesome. Bruce Wi couldn’t defeat him.” “No, guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.” “No, guess what’s going through the minds of Chuck Norris's enemies as he defeats them—Chuck Norris’s shoe.”

Finally, I assured them that they were just wrong. Bruce Wi was awesomer because I said so. And they quieted back down to their quiz. We are all aware them I am awesomer than them.

After a few moments, there was another eruption: “Awe man, that really sucks.” And another, “No. No… Lies!!!” Then, a few of them started weeping.

Number 26: “It is inevitable that Bruce Wi will take on Norris again, as soon as Norris is able to grow back his beard.”

So, I think I finally accomplished the ultimate English-teacher goal—-making my students cry with a grammar quiz. I didn’t know that that was how I would succeed at it though.

And I didn’t know it would be so easy.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Randy Newman

Monday, September 22, 2008

Super

km tagged me.

1. What is the most powerful thing you have done in the last 5 years?
I learned to stand in front of a bunch of sixteen-year-olds every day and survive.

2. What is your super power?
I care about stuff.

3. If you could choose another super power now, what would it be?
I seem to be in need of some extra seductive powers.

4. Describe your superhero outfit.
I’m shirtless so as to utilize my chest hairs which are naturally shaped to spell out my initials--JCPJ.

5. What is your kryptonite?

“We have met the enemy and he is us.”

Thursday, September 18, 2008

More New Lows

Yesterday, I finally moved the twin mattress from my extra bed into the living room floor. I’d been resisting the move for a little while since, you know, a mattress laying in your living room floor is probably not the most stylish look. Plus, I’d have to step around and over it.

But it sure is more comfortable than the floor when I’m watching a Cubs game. And I don’t think any of the few people who ever come to my house in Winters would be overly shocked at the sight.

The only problem is that I may fall asleep more on accident. We’ll see how this goes.
If anyone wants to buy me a couch, feel free.
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Two students, sophomore girls, came into the library raving about a book they’d each just read. I was excited. You see, I’d done an awful lot of research on teenage girl novels last spring, and I’d chosen that author’s stuff to buy.

They started asking for more things like it, and in about three minutes, I had them a pile of about a dozen books for teen girls, and I told them all of the plots (enough to hook them), and I talked about the author’s reputation and style. And they were excited and left with all the books they could check out, and one of them wrote down several of the titles I’d told them about so that she could read them later in the semester.

Once they left, I looked over at a substitute teacher who was spending her off period in the library on a computer and had watched everything. I said, “That’s kind of sad, isn’t it, that I know so much about teenage romance novels.”

She said, “It’s your job, I guess.” Yep, she was horrified, too.

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

Big Z!!!


It's more than a hypothesis. Whenever I watch the Cubs, they have a significantly higher chance of losing horribly. They only do well when their games aren't televised in Texas or when I'm too busy to watch. I've documented this. It's a fact.

But there are exceptions.

Carlos Zambrano just finished throwing a no-hitter against the Astros (who are a Cubs nemesis). It was the first no-hitter for a Cub in thirty-six years, and so I couldn't have possibly watched a no-hitter by a Cub.

I was watching this one though.

Which gives me hope. The curse that's kept them from winning a World Series reached 100 years this year. Maybe they can win it after all, despite me.

Congrats Big Z.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Needs Editing. The Longest Post I've Ever Written.

I hate to do another political post, but I guess I’m about to.

The Republican Convention has really bothered me this time.

I should say some things before I go on. I’m much more a Democrat than a Republican. But I don’t think the normal demarcations between the two parties make much sense. I hold a number of viewpoints that fit with each party and a number that fit with neither. I think I’m more consistent than either of them, and I’m probably going to spend part of the weekend writing a post or two that articulates what I think, just for myself. Still, I find the Democratic Party to be more acceptable, and especially this year’s candidate, Obama. So, I fully recognize, as I’ve watched this convention, that I’m biased against it. But, I’m also a person who’s not unlikely to hear a Republican speak and agree with a lot and respect, too, much of what I hear that I think is wrong. I think the Republican ideas and Republicans themselves have something immeasurable to add to the country.

That said, I’ve found the Republican convention to be dis-heartening. I realized during the first full night, during Fred Thompson’s speech, that my reaction to what he was saying wasn’t anger. Instead, after watching that first night, I felt really sad. The reason was the meanness.

I don’t think I’m blinded by bias when I say that the Republican attacks on the Democrats have been of a different nature than the Democrats on the Republicans at their convention. Disagreeing with somebody can be respectful. Honest disagreement recognizes the validity of human differences. Honest disagreement respects the humanness, the value and meaning, of opposing views, and then, it continues to disagree because it is a view worthy of being disagreed with.

I think that a lot of liberals fail to respect the humanness of conservatives (especially of George Bush), but I don’t think the Democrats at the Convention, by and large, were so guilty. Consider Obama’s speech. He applauded John McCain, and called him a good man, and the crowd gave McCain what seemed like a sincere ovation. Obama further called McCain a man of strength and character, with his heart in the right place, and I think he meant it. His argument continued to state that McCain was wrong though. In Obama’s view, McCain represented viewpoints that looked like Bush’s, and that wasn’t the right way to go. The rest of his speech continued to attack McCain, strongly, but it did so on the basis of McCain’s positions.
That’s a valid, and respectful, way to make an argument. I don’t think, by and large, that the Democrats treated McCain much differently.

But the Republican convention has, thus far, not acted with even a hint of respectfulness. Over and over, I’ve heard belittlement. I’ve heard mockery. I’ve heart blatant attempts to otherize Democrats. We’re elitist. We’re immoral. We’re un-American. We’re selfish. Etc. You’ve heard it before.

Consider the slogans for the two conventions. The Democrats was “The Change We Need.” The Republicans is “Country First.” I think it’s telling to look at the inverse of those two statements. If Obama represents “the change we need,” then McCain represents either “the change we don’t need” or “the same.” That seems ok to me; it doesn’t demean McCain but suggests policy differences. The inverse of “we put country first,” however, is “you do not put country first.” That’s an insult. There’s no respect there.

Or compare Fred Thompson’s treatment of Obama: “This year, the Democrats have presented us with a historic candidate, historic in that he’s the most liberal and experienced candidate ever for the presidency.” It’s patently false, but worse, was there ever a moment in the speech or in the evening that recognize the actual significance of Obama’s candidacy? There just wasn’t. Here was a chance, and he instead pointedly sidesteps it and mocks the historicity of Obama.

Lieberman was more subtle. Here was an early line in the speech: “Being a Republican or a Democrat is important. But it is nowhere near as important as being an American.” That seems ok. It could be seen as saying that there are values and dreams that transcend politic parties, and it’s important to realize the things that Democrats and Republicans hold in common. But Lieberman then goes on to make a partisan argument that McCain is the only one of the candidates willing to work with politicians on the other side (which is verifiably false, too, as Obama’s ethics legislation and nuclear proliferation work would show). It’s pretty easy to then complete Lieberman’s equation. Obama doesn’t work across party lines as McCain does; therefore, Obama’s not American. That’s a meme that’s been prevalent in McCain’s campaign since the opening ad: “McCain: An American President for America.”

It only got uglier. I finally couldn’t stomach Giuliani, especially after he called Obama too “cosmopolitan.” Palin offered a good political speech that was almost entirely lacking in policy (even David Brooks said that, even as he was complementing the speech) but that was again mocking and demeaning. For instance, consider that famous line that a small town mayor was just like a community organizer, except with actual responsibility (Giuliani made fun of the community organizer role, too). How do you mock a social work position, especially one from twenty years ago?

I could really go on. The meanness has been the story of the convention. Every prominent speaker has been noted for it so far. I think everyone thinks it’s been a political success, but it’s been an awfully cynical success.

That’s why I’m sad when I watch this convention. It’s demeaning to watch. I get the feeling, watching this, that the people in that room and on that stage actively hate me. I wish they didn’t.

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One more thing, in this way-too-long post.

I’m teaching a Bible class this semester. On the second day of class, after all of the introductions were out of the way, a student raised her hand and said, “Mr. Pierce, can I ask you a question?”

She did: “Is Barack Obama the anti-Christ because they keep saying (at church) that there are all kinds of parallels between him and the anti-Christ?”

Several students echoed her question.

I also teach two classes that are glorified study halls for seniors, and they are all in their first government class and are pretty fascinated with what’s going on. I think I’ve had three students in that setting ask me if Obama’s the anti-Christ.

I honestly think that those students asking me that is just about the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, especially since most of them have heard this in church and from other teachers.

I remember Dostoevsky saying somewhere that to love is to see someone as God sees them. Or to always choose to see them in their best possible light.

How sad is it that the church is raising kids who can look at anyone and think that that person could be the anti-Christ? How much more cynical could we be teaching them to be?

It’s a sin to think anyone is the anti-Christ, much less a decent man like Obama.

The dehumanization that we see going on at the Republican National Convention is having and will have damaging effects far beyond this election.

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Monday, September 01, 2008

The End of the World As We Know It

I always give my writing class an easy, fun writing assignment to kick things off. There are several prompts, always, but they all seem to choose the same one: “The world ended yesterday, and everyone’s gone but you. You’re pretty sure that you’re the only one left…Suddenly, the doorbell rings."

So, I just read through 13 of these essays, and I’ve read through several more over the years, and I realized that there are some patterns that repeat just over an over.

Evidently, according to wide consensus among Freshman level writers, these are the characteristics of end of the world:

1. You just wake up, and it’s gone. No flashes or anything.
2. There is always food laying on the floor all around you.
3. You’ll think it’s a prank from your stupid friends.
4. The first thing you regret is that there will be no new tv shows to watch.
5. The first place you go is always Wal-Mart.
6. You will be able to live off of cereal.
7. Despite the tv not working, you will, thankfully, be able to still play video games. This gives your life meaning.
8. One beautiful person of the opposite sex is likely still living. This is almost as good as video games still being around.
9. You’re not sure how the world ended, but Barack Obama clearly had something to do with it.
10. You sure do need a time machine.
11. And always, it ends the same: The end of the world was just a dream.