I'm Confused...

...as usual.

I've been this way for a while.

You know, I started back at TTU thinking I knew what I wanted to do. I was going to get a Ph.D and be a professor. It was fairly clear.

Then, I hated it. There were a lot of things I hated about being in school at TTU. I didn't like the pretentiousness of academia. I didn't like the politics. I didn't like the insularity (I think that's the word I'm looking for) and the lack of practicality. I didn't like suffering through certain classes where it seemed the professor was out to humiliate you. Most of all, I didn't like the ethical challenges of the place. Over and over, I felt that I was put in situations, both taking and teaching classes, where there wasn't an ethical course of action.

It was draining. Physically, emotionally, spiritually draining.

So, of course, I decided that maybe a change was needed. I'd felt sort of drawn to religious studies while at TTU. That was pretty much what I focused on in my classes there at TTU. I was at a point in my spiritual life where that prospect seemed like it could be fruitful. After a lot of thought and prayer, I had a moment during the summer before last where the decision seemed clear. I would head off to seminary. The decision was made. I decided, at that point, that no matter what I thought from then until I went to seminary, I wouldn't change my mind. At the very least, I would try it.

Pretty much since then, I've felt ill-at-ease about the decision. I honestly have. I didn't feel like going straight into school after finishing at TTU. I was too worn out. So I rested.

I rested, and it helped. I felt pretty refreshed, and I figured it was time to start back to school, even though the idea of seminary was still a little frightening. I felt ill-at-ease, but I figured that was just the prospect of jumping into something so new and foreign to me.

I applied, got a big scholarship and started. I realized, though, a week or two before class started, that I didn't feel ready. I told Mom that I wished I had waited another year or so. I wish I had.

Tonight, I was preparing to do my homework for tomorrow. I thought I had some Greek to memorize and a couple of hours of reading to do for church history. I took a look at the syllabus to refresh myself on what I was supposed to read. And I saw something that I hadn't seen before.

On the syllabus, there's always a week headline that I ignore. Something like: Second Century Persecution. It's always in bold. This week, though, there was an extra line under it. I hadn't noticed this line before because it was bold, too, and so I had ignored it along with the title I usually ignore. What did the line say? Ramsay Essay Due.

The Ramsay Essay was an eight page paper we were supposed to write over a three hundred page book by Ramsay. I had not noticed this. Class had been cancelled last week, and so, we hadn't been reminded of the paper either. So, an eight page paper over a book I haven't read that makes up 15% of my grade is due tomorrow. Plus, I have a Greek quiz to study for. Plus, the extra two or three hours of reading for history that I had planned on doing. This is all a problem.

The bigger problem, though, is that I just don't care.

I've never not cared before. I'm the guy with the 4.0 on both my BA and MA transcripts. I've always cared before. Something seems wrong.

Which, of course, it is. I'm bored. I've been in school for over a month now. Greek is a good class, but I haven't actually learned anything in the other two classes that I couldn't have learned by reading the textbook. And these are supposed to be two of the best teachers in the program.

I'm tired. It's a large workload. I'm afraid that I'm not preparing well enough for my classes I'm teaching over at HSU. I really don't know that I'm psychologically ready to have this sort of workload again. I don't think I've recovered quite as well from TTU as I had originally thought.

I'm not motivated. I did go into this thing knowing that it may not be for me. I was at least going to see though. Granted, I'm only a little over a month in, but still, I've seen little to make me think that I would like the ministry or be particularly good at it. I am only a little ways in though....

It is all driving me crazy though. The thought of spending two more years doing this degree is really painful. I actually spent all of my free time online last week looking for doctoral programs in English. Teaching's not going badly, for the most part (although I have bored them a bit much on a couple of occasions). I'm starting to feel that urge again to head back over to the dark side. I'm hoping this isn't a grass-being-greener-over-on-the-other-side thing again.

So tomorrow, I think I'm going to drop a course. I'm going to give the other classes another couple of weeks. I already can't get out of paying for them, so I might as well stick them out a little while longer. Who knows, everything could change in the next couple of weeks.

I'm not sure though. That's the theme. I'm not sure.